Unfortunately for millions of down-trodden and deceived wives, girlfriends and partners the world over, countless men still do the dirty at every opportunity. Declan Leavy investigates adultery in Ireland, an Irish website that assists in cheating, why some man can’t help themselves and why some women simply put up with it.
The seventh commandment states; ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’, but non-Bible fearing folk, which is, let’s face it, the majority these days, overlook this rule and regularly betray their wives, husbands and partners.
Adultery has been around forever, and has always given us something to talk about. Reality TV shows centre on it, gossip magazines sensationalise it and water cooler talk is never hotter than when it’s based on who’s sleeping with whom. But we are far from cracking the mystery; why do some men cheat in relationships?
We all know on some level or other that cheating is wrong and while there are no accurate statistics to prove it, men do cheat on women more than women cheat on men. Some put it down to a lack of morals, respect issues or simply a total inability to keep it in their pants. But some men have gone as far as claiming they have no control over their libido after several high-profile adulterers were diagnosed with sex addiction.
The big question is why do men cheat? Is it down to some deep-rooted insecurity or are we simply programmed to occasionally think with an organ other than our brain? The reasons can be complex and diverse. Is it the challenge, the ego boost or simply because we can? Either way, it’s a risky undertaking and karma can be a bitch.
Is monogamy natural or just something we’ve been indoctrinated to believe in? It seems that as a society, we are more tolerant than ever and often more willing to forgive high-profile infidelities. After all, Bill Clinton’s dalliance in to the world of the unfaithful husband did little to affect his political career and he managed to get through his particular scandal with loyal wife Hilary still by his side.
A large part of living with your conscience while undertaking an affair is justification. Some of us have an innate ability to justify anything. Take David Hogan from Malahide, Co. Dublin. He’s had three serious girlfriends, all of whom he cheated on. His justification? “They don’t count as affairs because they took place outside of Ireland.” Whatever helps you sleep at night Dave!
But what if the tables were turned, could you forgive your partner if you found her in bed with another man? James Robinson from Waterford came home early from a work conference to discover his wife in bed with a colleague. He threw her out and filed for divorce the very next day. It’s a tale of extreme hypocrisy however as James freely admits that he had been cheating on his wife for several years. “I often hooked up with random girls on lads’ weekends away but that’s different to taking them home to the marital bed.” What’s good for the goose James!
Of course, sometimes cheating may be something both partners want to partake in. In this case, are you better off opting for an open relationship? Vincent Delaney has been married for eight years. Three years ago, with their sex life at an all time low, they decided to join a swingers group in Dublin. ‘We were both nervous about attending our first swingers party, especially as Ireland is so small and everyone knows everyone else, but after a few minutes we relaxed and had a lot of fun’
So much fun in fact that they are now officially in an open relationship. ‘We go out separately at weekends and nine times out of ten, we both hook up with someone else. We see it as innocent fun and we are both still very much in love.” If an open relationship between two consenting adults works, then who are we to argue with that?
With several resources available to assist in devious endeavours, it has never been easier to cheat on your partner. TigerText is an iPhone app that allows users to set a time limit for a sent text to hang around after it has been read. When that life span has been exceeded, the message disappears, leaving no possible entrapment evidence behind. For those who need an even more comprehensive way to cover their tracks, the ‘delete history’ option wipes away call history so there’s no chance of getting caught out by the old ‘press redial’ routine. The app also provides alibis to get you out of sticky situations.
For bungling cheaters, FakeAlibi.co.uk provides cast-iron alibis that take the worry out of the adulterous liaison. The standard alibi package is an invitation to a fake conference, seminar and/or training weekend sent to your address, along with a false hotel booking confirmation. FakeAlibi will also supply a telephone number, which, if rung by an inquisitive significant other, will be answered by an agent pretending to be a hotel receptionist or seminar organiser.
This lowly journo was shocked to discover an Irish website that was set up with the sole purpose of helping men and women to cheat on their significant others. For €59 every three months, the good people at Meet2cheat.ie host a personal online profile enabling you to hook-up with some extra-marital bed pals. As the website states, ‘subscription is the first step to having us arrange the first affair or erotic adventure you desire’, so they’re basically guaranteeing sex. And in case you were wondering if this is a men-only service, women can sign up to the service for a knockdown price of €9 per three months subscription.
When you join, your profile information is matched against thousands of characteristics on a daily basis. A program specially designed for this procedure compares the data of all members and selects potential matches. If they think they have found the affair or adventure you are looking for, then they send each party the corresponding profile by email. From there on you alone decide how to proceed!
To go out of your way and subscribe to a smutty website that aids adultery beggars belief. We all make mistakes; we’re only human after all. One night stands are often the result of too much alcohol consumption. In the cold light of day, the fear and guilt can be crippling. But to sign up to a website with the sole intention of having an affair makes it far more sleazy and calculated.
Cheating men of Ireland watch out; revenge is a dish best served cold. As Niccolo Machiavelli once said, “It is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver.” In other words, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. When Cork woman Melissa Jacobs discovered her husband of eleven years was cheating on her, she got her own back by seducing his best friend. Not content with that tasty morsel of revenge, she then emptied their joint bank account, destroyed his entire wardrobe of clothes and shoes and posted video evidence of his illicit affair to his elderly parents. Says Melissa, ‘We’ve since divorced and I took him to the cleaners in the divorce settlement. He’ll think twice about cheating on a woman again. I’m just glad we never had children.”
But the most famous revenge of all came in 1993 when Lorena Bobbitt, tired of husband John Wayne Bobbitt’s abuse and multiple infidelities, severed his penis with a kitchen knife. The incident sparked several ‘Bobbittmania’ copycat castrations and no doubt made some men question whether cheating on their wife or partner would be worth that sort of pain.
Despite the utter disrespect shown by cheating on the person you love, there are some women willing to overlook their partner’s indiscretions. Gemma Morrissey was married to husband Mark for four years, three of which she knew he was cheating on her with several women. “I loved him so much that I was willing to ignore the fact that he was cheating on me.” But how does a person sleep at night knowing the man they love is sharing his love with others? “I thought I had found the most handsome, funny and caring man in the world and I was genuinely afraid to lose him.” So what triggered the eventual break-up? “I woke up one morning and all I could hear were the voices of my friends and family telling me to get the hell out of my doomed marriage.” Which is exactly what she did and three years later, she has full custody of their two daughters, full ownership of the house they bought together and a new husband. “It was hard to learn to trust another man at first but I soon got over that hurdle and I’m definitely more secure and confident in this marriage.
Personally, I can’t fathom why anyone would want to jeopardise a long-term relationship for a night of random sex. It’s quite simple; if you can’t commit to one person then don’t opt for a monogamous relationship. Unless there’s a gun to your head what’s the point in getting married if you’re just going to renege on the verbal agreement you make when stating your vows in front of family and loved ones? I get the sex aspect of it all; we’re men, we like sex, but if you can’t stay faithful to the one you love then don’t enter in to that agreement in the first place. Best-selling author Marisa Mackle put it perfectly when she said, quite simply, “Your partner is supposed to be your best friend so why on earth would you want to deceive them?” Quite!