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Okay, so picture this: two Geordies, one can sing, one can’t. The one who can sing has hit nothing but brick walls and pretty much bombed in the music charts; the other can’t sing for her dinner (possibly why she has such a slim frame!) yet is planning world musical domination. Can you tell who it is yet? Cheryl Cole, who was slated for her disastrous Queen’s Jubilee performance, has given the two finger salute to the critics and announced tour dates for her first solo trip! Cheryl will play nine dates across the UK, finishing up in her hometown of Newcastle. Hmmm, that’ll be ear-splittingly horrific, with moments of truly fancy footwork thrown in. Cheryl’s X Factor protégée, Joe McElderry meanwhile is due to release his fourth studio album… HOLD THE PHONE… FOURTH album? Where the hell are the other three? Speaking about the phantom fourth album, Joe said; “I”m currently recording my fourth album – it”s so exciting. I can”t wait for you to hear all of the stuff. It”s been going on since around January time, so it”s been a long time coming for me. I”ve really enjoyed being in the studio.” So here’s how it’s going to go… Cheryl will sell out her nine date tour, make millions and wipe her derrière with fifties, whilst Joe on the other hand will sell ten albums (all bought by his mother) and will be dropped by his label, saying that he doesn’t care, he’s proud of his music… the end.

Put yourself in the Nike trainers of a 19-year old boy, earning millions because you’re part of a super successful boy band called One Direction or whatever. What will you spend your money on? Cans? Nuts magazine? Hair gel? Not for Zayn Malik. The One Directioner has his sensible brain well and truly screwed on and has spent £2.2million on a swish north London pad. The six bedroom house is just streets away from where Malik stayed when he was taking part in the X Factor. I’m sure he has set aside a big wow gold deutscher anbieter room with a double bed for his new lady-friend Perrie Edwards… it’s where the magic happens after all.

Maybe she’s just wearing in the new Louboutins she purchased especially for her glamorous position on the X Factor judging panel… or maybe crazy Brit Brit is back! Simon Cowell, who is ill with bronchitis, is receiving daily reports from the X Factor US camp on how the shiny new judges are getting on and liability Britney Spears seems to be living up to her head shaving ways. Britney and the other judges first marched off the panel when a rude contestant took to the stage and whilst they returned a short while later, Britney didn’t. At the Dallas auditions, she walked off twice, worrying TV execs altogether. Hide your electric razors people, the real Britney’s back, in all her umbrella-;yielding glory.

When you include heavy poles into your routine, prepare to get a smack of reality! Poor Lady Gaga, whilst gyrating in Auckland on her Born This Way tour, a dancer accidentally struck her on the head with a pole and despite her concussed state, she continued her show. Tweeting a picture of her black eye the next day, she followed with a message for her fans saying “Emerging from hours of sleep. Still remiss if I should go outside, with this clonker I may be of questionable styling. Thank you so much for all the thoughtful messages. I feel a bit woozy but a little better everyday. Very happy to be in beautiful Australia.” What a trouper! Little Monsters across the world are hunting down the pole as we speak, lest it ever damage their master again!


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